Goddamn Cohen
by Pilar
Summary: Everyone's been dumped except Summer and she's not sure that's a good thing.


Goddamn Cohen, reminding you that you're not a virgin and how much you used to really enjoy fooling around. Goddamn him for jogging your memory of what it used to be like before him and before Zach and before all this almost goody-two shoes relationship crud really put a damper on your sex life.

And it wasn't like you'd **really** had a sex life before Cohen, he **was** your first and all, but he wasn't the first for everything. And there was so much everything else before Cohen. Now, there's nothing. Zach looks at you like he may want to do something, but every time that you're alone and you try to jump him, he thinks of something else that the two of you should be doing instead. It's like you have been married for ten years and the romance is gone. Except that there was no romance to begin with. How can someone so damned pretty be so damned boring?

Sometimes you think that he'd rather get it on with Cohen than you. Sometimes you think you'd rather get it on with Cohen.

But then, you remember what it was like getting it on with Cohen and you have to remind yourself that it was clumsy and awkward and that even after months of trying, you never really did get it right. But at least making out was fun then, even if Cohen's tongue was like a fat, intruding fish in your mouth and even if he thought your nipples were the dials on his car radio. At least he got you off that one time. Maybe it was even twice. Zach's never even tried to get his hand down your pants.

You're bored of Zach. Even Cohen was more fun than this.

And you **know** that Cohen wants you. You felt it in that "moment" the two of you had when he was showing you how to hold his pencil. And that's not even a euphemism.

You don't even know what you were thinking when you designed that costume and decided to let him draw you in it. He knew what you looked like, that was clear from the mountain of drawings that he had done of you while he was in Oregon. You keep wondering when the last one he'd drawn had been done. You bet that it was rather recently. You see the way that he looks at you even though he was getting it on with Alex. You know that he still loves you.

But is it love that you actually want? Zach probably loves you in his own way and you can see where that is getting you. Absolutely nowhere. You think that maybe you need a D.J. like Coop had. Maybe one that's not the gardener or the pool boy, though. Maybe you need to troll around at one of the other schools. Maybe even the public school. Find someone that you won't bump into at the mall or in the Andronico's or Whole Foods. One that only shops at the Von's on the other side of town.

You think that you really just want to have some fun and feel sexy again. Remember when you felt really sexy?

Goddamn Cohen for reminding you of what it felt like again.

When you show up at the Cohen's house, you're not exactly even sure what you're doing there. You think that you just want to reiterate again that after this stupid comic book road trip, you and he should stay out of each other's way and off each other's radar. You think that you're just there to make sure that it's not really him that you want, anyway, but if he looks at you that way again, you want to see how it feels. You just want to keep remembering. You know that you don't want to do anything about it, even though there's that empty, tingling feeling between your legs that has been pulsing for days. Weeks. Months, even.

But when you show up, he's not there.

You walk around to the back of the house and you can see Ryan in his room, head buried in a book, light from the pool and his lamps dancing in his hair. You can see exactly what Coop saw in him. He's like that guy from the other side of the tracks, but he's right here. You don't wonder why Coop took advantage of him. You do wonder what he sees in that Lindsay, though.

He looks up just as you're about to leave and waves to you with a sad looking half-smile on his face. He always looks so sad.

No, not always. He looks happy when he's talking to the Cohens and he looked happy for a while there with Coop, when she wasn't messing with him, and he kind of looked happy with that Lindsay girl except when Marissa got her all wasted. And he always looks happy in the math class you share, as inane as that concept is to you. You're never happy in math even when the problems are easy and the teacher is leaving you alone.

He waves you over and you can see him standing up to get his door. You think it must kinda suck to have so many windows, even if you can pull the shades all around.

"Seth's not here, if you're looking for him."

"Yeah, I figured. I checked upstairs and everything… I thought maybe he was with you."

"I think he's off with Zach talking comic books and trying to get over Alex. I think the two go hand-in-hand these days."

"You're telling me. I think he and Zach are cheating on me."

When Ryan laughs you can really see what Marissa and Lindsay and that Chino girl see in him. When he laughs, his whole face laughs… and his body. And you wish you weren't staring at his arms.

Even though he's sort of short, you think that he probably could pick you up with those arms and hold you around his waist while you used his hips to post like you learned to do in English riding camp. And you hope that he can't read that thought on your face. You can feel the heat rise in your chest just thinking about it and really try to quash the blush that will inevitably make it across your face.

"And I think that Marissa and Alex were cheating on Seth," he says and raises an eyebrow. You think that's far truer than what you said, but maybe you're not so sure. "She broke up with him, you know?"

You didn't know, but you're not surprised. The D.J.s of this world are never long-lived in Newport unless they can become Newport.

The boy who used to be Chino cleans up so well that he's become Newport. You wouldn't tell him that, though.

"That sucks. He must be really bummed out." Your words sound contrived even to you.

"Yeah, I know how he feels." And Ryan looks sad again. He looks towards the floor and almost shuffles and looks a bit like a lost, damaged puppy deprived of food. "Lindsay dumped me, too. I mean, she didn't **really** dump me, I mean, I almost killed her father and I can understand why she can't really see me anymore, but…"

You think Ryan must really have abandonment issues. You would too, you think.

"I'm sorry." And you really are.

"No, I'm okay… Really." Ryan puts up a good front, but the diarrhea of the mouth from a few seconds ago really betrayed it. You can tell he's clearly upset.

"You were too good for her, anyway." It wasn't really what you wanted to say, but that's what comes out when you open your mouth. You guess the diarrhea is contagious.

"Yeah. Right."

Ryan sits down and it feels like an invitation, so you sit beside him. You're a little too close and you didn't mean to be, but if you move now, you'll only look stupid. And you are really over feeling stupid lately. Zach has a way of making you feel stupid sometimes that you're really not into. He doesn't mean it, and it's not because you don't read the boring magazines that his family is into, but every time you've gone for his belt buckle in the "heat" of "passion" and he's stopped your hand, you feel stupid.

And there you go thinking about sex again when there is none on the horizon for you.

"You really are, Ryan. She doesn't know how good she had it. You're a good-looking guy, you're practically a Cohen now, you're smart, and you really liked her. She is losing a good thing." You're wondering why you never went for him, since it's true that he's all of those things and then you remember how quickly Marissa got her teeth into him. And once there's Marissa, there's definitely no Summer. You think that's why you fell for Cohen in the first place. He never even looked at Coop, he was only interested in you and that was a switch from every other guy you'd ever known.

"I did. I really liked her… Like her." He leans back into the couch and his legs fall apart and you're so close that you could easily put your hand on his leg and it would seem friendly and not at all inappropriate. You think that you might do it just to feel what that leg feels like under your hand, through those jeans, but you think that then you might have to squeeze and that's not the best idea in this situation.

You think that you're not really here to try and seduce Ryan even though it seems like a great idea to that feeling between your legs that you've felt for way too long now.

"Relationships suck."

And they do.

"Yeah."

"You know what, Ryan? I think we should go have some fun. You've been dumped, I'm in a loveless marriage, and we could both use a good time." You really don't have any ulterior motives, you are pretty sure, but you never know. Parts of your body may have ideas that your mind isn't actually privy to. It's happened before.

"I've got a lot of studying to do, actually. And… I'm… I'm just not up to going out, you know…" But he doesn't reach for his books in front of him or stand up to make you feel unwelcome, so you stay put. You don't really want to go home to the stepmonster and your pretty ponies anyway. "What do you mean, you're in a loveless marriage? I thought you and Zach are, like, the hot couple in town. You guys look really happy together."

Misery loves company and all.

"We are, I guess… But he's not…" You don't know how to put it and you don't even know if you want to put it, really, especially to Ryan. You should be embarrassed that your boyfriend doesn't want anything to do with you. "He's just… he's not… You know…" You lean in because you don't know if you really want to say any of this out loud, let alone in a loud voice, and your hand does drop onto his leg and you can almost feel his breath on your face when he exhales. "We're not sleeping together." You blurt it out in one of those loud whispers and it's the first time you've admitted it. Even Coop thinks you guys have been sleeping together for months. "We're not even near sleeping together. He doesn't want me, I think."

You realize how self-deprecating that sounds, though and you want to backtrack, but you don't know what to say differently. Ryan looks a bit dumbfounded by the whole thing. You know you are.

"He's gotta want you, Summer, there's no way he doesn't." Ryan smiles again and you feel a little dumb for telling him this stuff that you haven't even told your best friend. But Marissa has been way too busy screwing up her life and messing with her parents and becoming a lesbian and stuff to be bothered with your trivial life. "Maybe there's something to that thing for Seth you mentioned before, because that's the **only** reason he wouldn't desperately want into your pants, Summer."

You know that he's kidding, or at least half-kidding, because he smiles so broadly and you can even laugh yourself. Until now, this was no laughing matter.

"Unfortunately for him, I'm pretty sure Seth's not interested." You say dryly and realize that you're still so very close to Ryan, although you've already leaned back into the foot of the bed.

"That's because he's still in love with you."

"Yeah, and we know how that turned out the first time."

There's another moment of silence and you wonder what Ryan is thinking about. You want the subject to change. You don't want to think about Seth at all. You don't even want to think about Zach anymore.

"Man, we both suck right now, huh?"

"Nah… I think we're the good ones. The rest of them suck."

You're inclined to agree.

"Maybe you're right… Maybe we should get out of here and stop wallowing in our sorrows."

Again, you're inclined to agree, but you also don't want to have to move right now. This is the closest you've been to a guy in a good while and you like the heat.

"All right. Where should we go?" You tip your head back to look up at him and think that he must notice that you haven't lifted your hand from his leg. You lick your lips hoping that you don't look too expectant. It really was because your lips feel dry and you haven't reapplied your gloss in ages… you can do it in his car.

"Let's get out of Newport." He says and it sounds like a plan.

"Perfect."

Fifteen minutes later and you're on the road leaving Newport behind you and you realize that you haven't thought about Zach, Cohen, or Coop in what feels like ages and you're glad that the conversation has been more about what insipid emo songs you each try to avoid on the radio and how much Ryan loves driving the Rover because it's nothing like the piece of shit beater, his words, that he had when he was still in Chino. And you know that Chino's not where he's headed.

"Are you hungry, or should we just grab something easy and chill somewhere? What do you wanna do?" He's headed south on Highway 1 now and no matter how many times you drive on the 1 or how many beautiful views of the ocean you've seen, it's never as beautiful as it is when you see it in the evening, zipping by in a fast car with the windows open to the cool, ocean breeze. It's almost as good a feeling as you imagine great sex would be. You're still waiting to have great sex. Maybe you're actually are still a virgin.

You have no idea what you want to do, of course, but you also really don't care. Just this is good enough. "We can just grab something. Where are we headed, anyway? Capistrano?"

"Close. I was thinking about Dana Point. I haven't been, yet, and I've always wanted to go."

"Ohhhh… it's really pretty there. I haven't been in years. My mom used to take me there when I was little. She taught me to swim at the Baby Beach there. I have such great memories…" Thinking about your mom rarely makes you so sad anymore, but you just wish that she were around to share your growing up and all this boy stuff and love stuff and sex stuff with. Maybe, then, you wouldn't be in such a state about it all. It's not like you can talk to the evil stepmonster. It's not like you even want to.

"Good." The light off the ocean glitters and you wonder again what Ryan is thinking about when he says so little.

"Are you thinking about Lindsay again?" You ask mostly to hear the answer even though you're not sure you want to know.

"No, actually I was thinking about that book, "Two Years Before the Mast," that the city is named for. I read it when I was in junior high and all I wanted to do was sail around the world. Sort of. I mean, I didn't really want to sail, I just wanted to get out of Chino and I read that book and it inspired me. I never really thought I'd be able to ever leave Chino, though." He gets this look on his face that seems almost reverential. He must feel so lucky. "I'm surprised I hadn't thought about coming down here before now."

"Well, I'm glad we're doing it now."

"Me, too."

It's odd that you're sharing this thing with Ryan, you think, but it feels nice. All of this is odd, if you really stop to think about it. Doubtless Seth wouldn't like it very much, but you're not trying to think about that now at all. A part of you knows that one day you might end up back with him, you're certainly not going to last with Zach for too much longer if he doesn't start showing you a little love.

"I don't really want to think about Lindsay right now," he says mostly to himself. His voice is low and he seems to stare at the white lines of the road keeping the car perfectly between them.

"Yeah, me neither," you say slightly louder and he laughs.

You pull into the parking lot of a Japanese restaurant on PCH and when he stops the car, he gets out and comes around to open the door for you. He holds his hand out for you to take it and when you do, he smiles at you.

"Japanese?"

"Yeah. I figured that since I always thought of Dana Point as being so far from Chino, we could pick up the food that I never thought I'd eat when I was still in Chino… I know it sounds stupid, but I always thought Japanese food was only for rich people or Japanese people, When we went out to eat, it was Mickey D's or a burrito and that's about it. You do like sushi, right?"

"Duh," you say and squeeze his hand before letting it drop. "It doesn't sound stupid at all, by the way." And it really doesn't even though you would have said it even if it did.

You order and share a quick Sake while you wait. You've always loved Sake, although drinking these days seems weird since Coop is always sucking vodka out of that damn flask of hers. But she's not around and they're probably not going to bump into anyone they know so far south of home. Shit, they're nearly halfway to San Diego; Marissa is probably already wasted on that Alex's couch or something.

"Should this feel weird? I feel like we're on a date, or something…" He clinks your Sake glass before tossing his back and you hope that he missed the part where your face fell. "It doesn't, though."

"Yeah. It doesn't. But it's not really a date or anything, so…" You feel that bitchiness that you usually reserve for when you're feeling a bit cornered or when you're not so sure of yourself and you push it aside because you're pretty sure that it's not warranted now.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to sound…" He trails off and you nod your head and the food comes.

You take your food to the beach because it sounds like a good idea and the weather is gorgeous and there's a blanket in the back of the car. Now, it really does feel like a date, but you're trying to ignore it. He's already mentioned that it's not one and you already knew that anyway. You're supposed to be commiserating the crappy relationship crap and all the bullshit around both of you, not falling for the bad boy in the Cohen house and his non-romantic overtures, even though this is definitely the most romantic non-date you've ever been on so far.

He opens your door and you hold his hand again to get out of the car. When you get to the stairs to the sand, you take off your shoes.

You spread out the blanket while he deals with his sneakers and you look towards the ocean. When you were little, you totally took it for granted, the ocean, and now that you're older, you know how great and powerful and amazing it is. You really feel bad for the landlocked.

"It really is amazing here, huh?" He says and you hadn't realized that you were staring off into space.

"Yeah." And now you're staring at him again.

Ryan isn't perfect looking like Zach is, or like Luke is, or like a lot of the OC boys you've known all your life, but he's pretty, too. Just in a different way. He has more life in his eyes than they do and even though he doesn't have that WASP-y ideal nose and chiseled face, he has eyes that you could drown in and really nice arms. Really, really nice arms. And a great chest from what you've seen of it. Maybe you should just jump him.

He starts putting out the food and you pour the takeout Sake into teeny Styrofoam cups and hand one to him. You're not planning on drinking enough to get loaded, but you're glad that he thought to get a little to take the edge off. It's just enough, you think, to lower your inhibitions and probably almost enough for him to stop thinking about the ex-girlfriend and all the drama in all of their lives. You realize that you have the least amount of drama in your life out of all of you. Except maybe Zach, but he's as drama-free as anyone you've ever known. You think that that was the reason you liked him in the first place.

You eat without talking, mostly, since both of you are looking out to the ocean and enjoying the sushi and you pretend that when your hands accidentally touch over the Sake bottle or the wasabi it doesn't feel like the zing of electricity.

When the food is gone and there are only a few sips of Sake left, you collect the trash back into the bag everything came in and you notice him watching you instead of the ocean. When your eyes meet, you both smile and look away. Maybe he's thinking the same thing you are, maybe he's got a little buzz from the Sake, too.

"This is nice," you say quietly and he agrees. You lie back on the blanket and gaze up at the stars and he follows your lead. The hair on your arms seems to gravitate towards his, must be all that electricity around you.

"I really used to think you were such a bitch, you know?" He turns his face towards you and you don't exactly know what your response should be. He doesn't sound as if he means it in a bad way, but you're also not used to being called on your bitchiness very often. You know where it comes from, but you'd rather not discuss that either. "You know, when I saw you dump Marissa on her drive when I first moved to Newport… I thought that was a pretty fucked up thing to do."

You remember that you were also wasted and didn't want to get into trouble with the Coopers. You'd figured, drunkenly and probably wrongly, that as long as she got home, she'd be fine. You just wanted to get home yourself. "I was wasted, too, and I didn't want to get us both into trouble with the Coopers. And they would have called my Dad… He thinks I'm his little angel… It was stupid of us, I know…"

"It was a long time ago… I think we all know each other a lot better now. I don't think you're such a bitch anymore… Mostly." And he smiles again. You should be annoyed, if it were anyone else, you probably would be, but for now, you're just glad for the smile. And, you kinda know what he means.

"Well, I thought you were stupid and trashy back then and I don't think that anymore, either. Mostly." you snark back.

"Last shot?"

"Sure." He pours for you and you tip it back. The drink is cold by now, even though the air is still warm.

"Zach's an idiot, Summer."

"In general, or are you thinking of something specific?" You're not sure if you want to have this conversation again, things had been going so well without both of you whining about your miserable relationships and the lack thereof in both of your lives, currently, but what else were you supposed to say when he comes out with this revelation?

"You know what I mean."

And you do, but now you just want to hear him say it. He's deliberately beating around the bush, you think, so you pretend not to understand.

"Not really, I mean I know why **I** think he's an idiot sometimes, but you're in the comic book club, too."

"I'm not talking about comic books." He rolls onto his side and props his head on the heel of his hand and you try not to look at him from the corner of your eye.

Both of you have to have a little buzz going, you know you do. And there's been nothing but unresolved sexual tension and quiet and the beating of the ocean onto the shore since you finished eating. You roll towards him.

"What **are** you talking about, then?"

He leans in and kisses you. His lips are soft, at first, but when you recover from your initial shock and let your mouth open under his and your tongues start snaking together, there's an insistence to them. Yours, too. You push him onto his back and his hands tangle into your hair. Damn, you've really missed this feeling.

When you come up for air, you're still leaning over him and he doesn't move his hands from your next or the back of your hair.

"This is a terrible idea, isn't it?" he says.

"Yeah, probably," you agree, but you don't want to stop. "Does it matter right now, though?"

"Not really." And you kiss him again and feel his hands travel down your back.

You do go over all the implications in your mind, really quickly, just because you're a smart girl and it's just how your brain works. You think about how Coop would feel betrayed even though she hasn't dated Ryan in months and how Seth would despise you both and how Zach just wouldn't even understand why you'd cheat on him. And that's exactly what you're doing right now. In every pause between the two of you, you know that Ryan's probably thinking the same things.

You don't really care what Lindsay would think, because you don't like her very much anyway. She's never really been the girl you would have thought Ryan would go for. Teresa made complete sense to you.

It must not matter overall, because you can feel Ryan's hard-on pressing against the top of your thigh and you can't help but grind against it. You can work out the details later.

It's been so long since you've even had a hand up your shirt, you realize, and there's really something wrong with that. It's not like you're the slutty type that used to spend every weekend making out with another guy, but you always had boyfriends and when you and Coop used to go to parties every weekend, there was always someone to hang out with if you wanted to. And then there was Seth who couldn't keep his hands off of you, but you don't want to think about him right now. And besides, he wasn't very good at all of this stuff, anyway. And you can already tell that Ryan doesn't have any problems in the area.

He moans and his hands start moving up your back and you're glad that you wore a matching bra and panties set. You always do.

And you're glad that it's as warm as it is when you pull your tee shirt over your head and toss it aside. Not that you'd be anything other than hot right now, anyway. You could be covered in snow and feel like you're on fire.

Ryan rolls you onto your back and pulls his own shirt off, leaving him in one of those Guido tank tops he always wears and you pull it up to feel the skin of his back, soft and ripply under your fingers. When his mouth greets yours again, he's going for your bra snap with expert hands.

You're glad that you've stopped worrying about what everyone will think and focused on what you think right now. And right now you think that you really want him to go for your pants.

"Summer?"

"Yeah?"

"Is this going too fast for you? I mean, do you want me to stop or anything? I mean, if you want me to stop, you'd tell me, right?" His voice is breathy and you think he's probably trying to be gentlemanly, but you really don't care about such formalities right now. You just want to remember what it was like to get off and you're really enjoying the feeling of his arms around you and his hands on your breasts and his dick rubbing against you and you really remember how much fun this used to be.

"I think I want you to stop talking," you say and smile and pull him back towards you and wrap your hands around his ass.

Ryan has a great ass; you're surprised you never noticed it before now.

You go for his belt and hesitate, waiting for him to stop you like Zach always does, but you know he's not Zach and he doesn't stop you, so you tug at his buckle and it opens pulling the top button of his jeans open with it. Your hand is between you; he lefts his hips off yours giving you better access to the rest of the buttons. He sighs loudly when you finally have his dick in your hands and you push him over onto his back again.

It's been a really long time since you've given any blowjobs, but apparently, it's a lot like riding a bike. Or, at least Ryan doesn't seem to notice your lack of recent experience. You know that you're good at this; you've never gotten anything but compliments. Your throat remembers to open and you slide your tongue in a spiral around the head of his cock and he rests his hand on your back. When you look up at his face, his head is tipped back and his mouth is open; his eyes are closed and his hips slowly move up and down towards your mouth.

He stops you when you can tell he's getting close, though, and you're slightly disappointed. He tips your chin up towards him.

"Come here… Come here…" He pulls you up to him and kisses you long and deep while he pushes your pants off your hips and slides your panties down with them, never missing a beat or fumbling with his hands. You help them off with your feet, and wonder if he has a condom in his wallet like most guys usually do. You hope he's prepared like a boy scout, even if he's nothing like one otherwise.

When he takes off his own pants, he pulls out the wallet and you're glad to see that he is.

"This okay?" he says and you can only nod the affirmative. God, it's been a really long time, you're melting with just the anticipation.

When you're on your back, his mouth travels from your throat to your clavicles and from one breast to the other, his hand moves up your thigh and you will it closer and closer to you. When his fingertips just barely graze across your labia, you shudder and moan. He's hardly touched you and you think you might come just thinking about it. His tongue licks your navel and his hands move up to your breasts again.

You close your eyes as his breath hits you and his tongue slides slowly over your pussy.

Seth tried this once and it was a mess. You didn't encourage the practice after that, at least when he used his hands it felt good. When Ryan's tongue dips inside you and his teeth raze across your clit, though, you realize that nothing ever feels this good. Not even your own fingers and they usually do you just fine. He's holding you open with his fingers and flicking your clit with his tongue over and over to whatever perfect rhythm he hears in his head and you feel the waves come. When the orgasm hits you, you are bucking all over the place and practically screaming his name and your heels dig into the sand because the blanket has bunched up beneath you.

Before you stop twitching, he's inside you and you clench your muscles around his cock and feel so full. That empty feeling you've had for so long is completely gone and he's sliding back and forth inside you and you raise your hips to meet his thrusts.

So **this** is what you've been missing all this time. Shit.

You come again when you're on top of him and he plays with your clit while you fuck him really slowly, savoring each stroke and the feeling of his cock practically hitting your cervix. You like the way that he looks at you as you ride him, you like the way that his face changes on the down strokes and you like the way he makes you come more than once before he has even gotten to.

When it's over and you feel him come, he doesn't roll off of you like Seth used to and he's still kissing you. You're surprised, you thought that once it was over, it was over. Ryan keeps touching your hair and lighting his fingers over your ribs and licking slowly at your lips. It's only when his weight begins to feel like too much that you shift under him and he pulls away just enough to pull out of you while you guess he's holding the condom on. He reaches over you to drop it into the trash bag on the sand.

You think that you should be saying something, but you don't and neither does he. So far, you aren't feeling awkward, yet. You know that you should be and you think it'll probably happen in time. Eventually. Unless it doesn't.

But you can't believe that you just fucked Ryan Atwood. It surely wasn't what you'd planned for this evening when you'd showed up at the Cohen house.

You feel really naked though, and there might be some sand up where you really don't want it to be. Ryan straightens the blanket out under you and stands up.

"We should go, huh?" You say because you can't think of anything else to say.

Ryan sits down next to you and you pull up to sitting as well, wondering what goes through that head of his after stuff like this. You are definitely starting to feel weird because he just doesn't say anything and you're not used to this kind of stuff. You're the one who just cheated on her boyfriend, Ryan hasn't done anything wrong. Sort of.

"It's still early. Do you really want to?" He looks at you and it feels comfortable again. Maybe you're over-analyzing this too soon.

"No. Not really… We can hang out."

"Cool."

His hand sits on top of yours and it feels more intimate than what you just did together.

You don't talk about it and neither does he and it seems better that way.

END 


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